Six Characters in Search of a Blogger


4.6 Where are they now: Dolly from the Island of Misfit Toys

Name:  Dolly, the Misfit Toy

Also known as: A dolly for Sue

Hobbies: says “how do you do” ; one night stands; guns; tattoo artistry

The sad story of Dolly, the Misfit Toy

The sad story of Dolly, the Misfit Toy

Home:  Her last known address was at a home in suburban Cleveland, Ohio

Marital status:  Never married

Secret crush:  Chucky from Child’s Play.  He is her inspiration.

Car:   After multiple DUIs Dolly no longer has a license.  She takes public transportation, or hitchhikes.

Favorite film:  Taxi Driver.  She likes Scorcese’s nuanced appraisal of vigilante justice.

Little known fact: Since her rise to fame, Dolly has been constantly plagued by questions about why she was on the Island of Misfit Toys in the first place, as she had no visible defects or oddities.  While she has never publicly answered the question, key sources have suggested that Dolly’s problems were deeply psychological, and linked to her rejection by her first owner, a girl named Sue.

Last public appearance:  Dolly appeared on the Today Show in a controversial 1998 interview with Katie Couric prior to a highly publicized trial for first degree murder.  In the interview, Dolly accused former ruler of the Island of the Misfit Toys, King Moonracer, of sexual harassment offenses against both her and the Ostrich-Riding Cowboy.  The Cowboy could not be reached for comment about or confirmation of her allegations.  

Where she is now:  After Rudolph’s Great Liberation of 1964 (so called by the playthings inhabiting the Island of Misfit Toys at the time), Dolly was dropped down the chimney of a young girl in Cleveland, Ohio, as a Christmas present from Santa.  Upon receiving Dolly, the little girl threw a tantrum and demanded a Barbie instead.  Dolly was subsequently imprisoned in a storage box for years, and developed troubling psychoses as a result.

When the contents of her storage box was finally donated to a local charity in the mid 70s, Dolly was granted to a local hospital clinic’s children’s playroom, and was soon passed hand-to-hand and used by all and sundry.  She blocked out the faces of the young children as they abused her, pulled her hair, ran her over with trucks, sat on her.  During this difficult time, Dolly slept around with whatever toys passed through the playroom.  A one-armed GI Joe.  Raggedy Andy (she was somewhat surprised by his adventurousness in the sack.)  Tigger (he didn’t live up to his reputation of rubber and springs and other “wonderful things.”) Ernie from Sesame Street (he was still unsure about his sexuality.)  And James T. Kirk (who accepted her advances with “OK, I’ll set my phaser to stun.”) 

In 1983, after a petty theft-prone patient visited the clinic and snuck her out under his jacket, Dolly ended up in the home of this young sadist in the making, who stuck her with needles, burned her, put her on a stretching device, dragged her around on a string behind his big wheel up and down the street.  Strangely, she found herself enjoying it.  This boy liked her.  He payed attention to her.  That was enough.

After the boy grew tired of her, she fell in with a rough crowd in the boy’s toy chest, and joined an evil posse led by Skeletor who dominated the chest throughout the early 80s.  She even had a brief fling with Evil-Lyn, Skeletor’s chief of staff, but the affair ended after only a few weeks.  When the Transformers moved into the chest during Christmas of 1985, she began training with the Decepticons, learning important lessons about disguise, stealth, and weaponry training. 

In 1989, she found her inspiration when she happened to see Chucky in Child’s Play for the first time on VHS.  After she had hidden the tape from the family so they could not return it to the video rental store, she chose opportune times to watch the movie repeatedly, almost obsessively, gradually forming a mission in her mind:  that she would find her original owner, Sue, and exact revenge on her for the abandonment.

In 1992, she escaped her captivity in Cleveland to search out her obsession.  She hitchhiked her way to a suburb of Minneapolis, Minnesota, where her former owner Sue had lived.  Unfortunately, when Dolly arrived she found the family had moved.  Undaunted, she enlisted the help of a savvy pal, Teddy Ruxpin, and began a public records search for the family.  Much to her frustration, it took several years to find them, as Sue had since changed her name and left the state.

By 1997, still without an answer, Dolly shaved her hair à la G.I. Jane, and began an intense boot camp workout regimen to ready herself for the mission.  She also began dabbling in tattoo arts, designing and inscribing the name “Sue” with a skull and crossbones beneath it on her right shoulder, and the word “vindication” across the knuckles of both hands.  (Or at least the area where knuckles should be.)  Finally, a year later, she hit paydirt:  Teddy Ruxpin had found Sue and her family near Albuquerque, New Mexico.  Upon arriving in the city, Dolly went immediately to Sue’s house and started doing recognizance work in the neighborhood.  At that time, police had multiple reports from local residents about a demonic doll that appeared in their windows at night.  After a few initial interviews, the police abandoned the case as a prank.

Later that month, as former owner Sue was unpacking the groceries from a trip to the supermarket, she opened a kitchen cabinet to find Dolly pointing a gun at her head.  Dolly expressed all of her frustration and anger about her ruined life that had been a result of Sue’s thoughtlessness.  Sue, now in her late 40s, expressed extreme confusion about Dolly’s identity, claiming that she didn’t know Dolly; she didn’t remember having a toy like Dolly.  Dolly must have made some kind of mistake.  Sue only recalled playing with Barbies. 

Dolly shot Sue on the spot.

When the police arrived, they found Dolly mourning over the body of her lost owner, hugging herself and singing “The Most Wonderful Day of the Year” over and over again.  Charged with murder in the first degree, Dolly was successful in using the insanity defense, but was sentenced to life in a state mental institution.

Dolly can now be found in the Behavioral Health Institute in Las Vegas, New Mexico, where she has been a patient/inmate since 1999.



4.3 Where Are They Now: Hermey
December 3, 2008, 3:59 pm
Filed under: Rankin/Bass Christmas Characters | Tags: , , , ,

Name:  Hermey the Elf

Also known as:  Herbie, Inmate #226440, barbiesboy (chatroom screen name)

Hobbies:   sedation dentistry, ear wiggling, hee hee-ing, Tantric yoga, doll collecting

Hermey

Hermey

Home:   Bunnvale, NJ

Marital status:  Married to wife Jeanne for 15 years; they have 3 children: Henrietta, Hermione, Hermey, Jr.

Secret crush:  He would rather not say, due to possibility of self-incrimination.

Car:  Porsche Carrera 4S

Little known fact:  He dated German doll artist Annette Himstedt in 1986.  It was a brief, but intense relationship, and she has since credited him with her dolls’ award-winning dental artistry.  Himstedt has said that one of her few boy dolls, “Kasimir,” was inspired by Hermey, noting that it is modeled after “the child we might have had.”  The relationship ended under rather cloudy circumstances in 1987.  In a rare interview for Doll Reader magazine in 1995, Himstedt said of Hermey, “He was a very passionate lover.  And we were very happy for a time.  But then I found (she pauses, tearing up)…I’m sorry, this is very painful for me…let me say it this way.  I have always loved my dolls.  But Hermey?  He loved my dolls a little too much.”

Last public appearance:  September 2008 at Hunterdon County Courthouse in New Jersey, where he was brought on charges of cyberstalking.

Where he is now:  Following his life-changing vision quest with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer in 1964, Hermey rode the talk show circuit for several months, partying it up and having a string of meaningless encounters with she-elves.  Following his success on television, and (because he was told his hair was “great on camera”) he briefly toyed with the idea of becoming a television anchor, until he was involved in the shocking North Pole “Barbiegate” scandal of 1966, when he was documented molesting multiple biologically-correct dolls in Santa’s Workshop.  A subsequent search of his elf hut revealed a disturbingly large collection of doll porn and Barbies suspended from his ceiling in suggestive positions.

He was tried in elf court as a minor, sentenced to a year of community service (cleaning the reindeer stalls) and subsequently released into Santa’s guardianship.  Keen to escape his ruined reputation, he applied and was accepted to the prestigious NYU combined BA/DDS program in 1969, and subsequently graduated in 1976.  He then moved to Southern California to become a part of the fledgling cosmetic dentistry movement (there he became good friends with Spencer Pratt’s father and became godfather to Stephanie Pratt at her baptism in 1986.)

He met his wife, Jeanne, in 1991 at a porcelain veneers convention in Las Vegas.  They married in 1993, and subsequently moved to Bunnvale, New Jersey—Jeanne’s hometown—and opened up their own practice outside of New York City.  Their three children, Henrietta, Hermione, and Hermey, Jr., were born in 1994, 1996, and 1997.

An active member of his community, Hermey became a member of the Town Council, a volunteer soccer coach for his son’s team, and an elder at the Bunnvale Assemblies of God church, where he and his wife have been congregants since 1993.  At the church, he helped found the Bunnvale Vacation Bible School, and was the creative genius behind this year’s very successful “Plunge Deeper!  Bunnvale Vacation Bible School water park experience.” (See advertising for the program below.)

In early September, Hermey was arrested at his home on charges of cyberstalking young girls from the local area.  Apparently, Hermey was engaged in chats with them on MySpace, where he would talk about dolls and encourage personal visits to his home.  He later pled “not guilty” to the charges, claiming, “I only wanted to show them my doll collection.”

If convicted, he faces a 5 year maximum prison sentence for a third-degree felony.

 

The Bunnvale Vacation Bible School advertising video: