Six Characters in Search of a Blogger


4.5 Where are they now: Bumble

Name:  Bumble           

Also known as:  Abominable Snow Monster

Bumble, prior to his radical tooth extraction in 1964

Bumble, prior to his radical tooth extraction in 1964

Hobbies:  Reading Deepak Chopra; Tai Chi; aromatology; fasting; and placing stars on the top of Christmas trees (yes, he still has a soft spot in his heart for Christians).  Of late he has also become an avid listener of 2008 American Idol runner-up David Archuleta, whose sound is so transportive it allows him to achieve a higher plane of consciousness.  Bumble has written of the teen singer that “his corporeal body may be 18, but his voice echoes across the millennia.” 

Home:   His home is the earth in its great and full expanse.  Given our transience, what one of us is egotistical enough to think that we can own a place?  Can our souls have mortgages? 

Marital status:  Bumble has taken vows of celibacy and dedicated himself to a life of the spirit.  He walks alone.  (Also, mythical creatures do not have marital rights under United States law.)

Secret crush:  Bumble no longer has cravings of the flesh.  He loves all creatures, everywhere.

Car:  He has disavowed all earthly belongings. 

Favorite film:  Star Wars.  It was the only film in which a great, hairy creature achieved something like equal rights, and was perceived as an intelligent being with great technical capability and common sense.  He was very hopeful for a time that things might be changing for he and his kind;  but then he saw Harry and the Hendersons a decade later and fell into a deep depression.  The world was not yet ready.

Little known fact:  While Bumble has disavowed all earthly belongings, he did bring a major lawsuit against the Rankin/Bass Corporation for injuries incurred during the filming of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer in 1964.  (All of his teeth were actually removed by the amateur and unlicensed “dentist” elf Hermey. Bumble has subsequently suffered from debilitating bouts of TMJ for decades.)  As a mythical creature, he wasn’t covered in the “mistreatment of animals” statute that governs film production in the U.S. and Canada.  However, despite the great evidence stacked against them, the court found in Rankin/Bass’s favor—in their estimation, Bumble did not have defined legal rights under human law.  Therefore his case was moot.

Last public appearance:  In 2008, a team of Japanese adventurers discovered his footprints on Dhaulagiri IV, one of the peaks in the Himalayan Mountain Range.  Bumble had been on a pilgrimage to visit the Dalai Lama at the time.

Where he is now:  Following his well-publicized capture by Yukon Cornelius in the North Pole in 1964, he and Cornelius spent several years exploring the counterculture of 1960s America, with its emphasis on free love and drug use.  Bumble remembers those years as a time when his spirituality crystallized and his purpose in life became clear.  He became a devotee of guru Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and began to practice transcendental meditation, even traveling to India to study with the guru during 1968.  (Cornelius has no recollection of the year 1968, hence the discrepancy in their accounts.) 

While under the guru’s tutelage in Rishikesh, Bumble met the Beatles and formed a firm friendship with John Lennon.  His bond with the group actually inspired the cover of their “White” album—largely because of his albino coat and inability to speak.  Like John, Paul, George and Ringo, he left India abruptly after learning of a rumor that the Maharishi had made advances on Mia Farrow during a meditation session.  He was crushed.

But despite his disillusionment with his guru, his mind was resolved.  He returned to the U.S. with a vision of what was meant to be, and soon met up with his former captor, who had never realized he was gone in the first place.  While they were attending the Woodstock festival in 1969, Bumble declared his solemn intentions about following a meditative and purposeful life to Yukon Cornelius, who kept spinning in circles, pointing up at the sky, and singing songs about peanut butter. 

Throughout the 1970s and 1980s Bumble traveled the world, consulting with mystics and spiritual leaders.  He then carried the knowledge he had gathered back to his people, forming his own spiritual haven in the wild peaks of Denali National Park, and training them to be missionaries of his word and practice.  They all readily espoused his teachings, which explains their solitary nature and dislike of being seen and caught on camera.

In the late 1990s, and inspired by his poor treatment at Rankin/Bass, Bumble began a quiet campaign to gain civil rights for the mystical creatures of the world.  He met with Chupacabra, Moth Man, Nessie (Loch Ness monster), his cousin Sasquatch, and the Giant Squid (who has since been outed.)  Together they began to put together a strategic plan to improve their public image and, subsequently, to introduce themselves formally to the world.

After September 11, however, the creatures’ plans were in disarray after the World Trade Center attacks and the subsequent climate of fear, distrust, and recrimination that swept the world.  They have put their ideas on hold indefinitely, although they do take great hope in the current trend of vampire popularity, especially among teenage girls.  Chupacabra has been especially excited, and is just waiting for the time when goat-sucking is made sexy and acceptable.

Bumble counts among his human friends (who have all been sworn to secrecy) Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer, Gary Weil, Madonna, and New York Yankees Third Baseman A-Rod (Alex Rodriguez.)

His great dream is that someday he will become a spiritual advisor to Oprah.  



4.3 Where Are They Now: Hermey
December 3, 2008, 3:59 pm
Filed under: Rankin/Bass Christmas Characters | Tags: , , , ,

Name:  Hermey the Elf

Also known as:  Herbie, Inmate #226440, barbiesboy (chatroom screen name)

Hobbies:   sedation dentistry, ear wiggling, hee hee-ing, Tantric yoga, doll collecting

Hermey

Hermey

Home:   Bunnvale, NJ

Marital status:  Married to wife Jeanne for 15 years; they have 3 children: Henrietta, Hermione, Hermey, Jr.

Secret crush:  He would rather not say, due to possibility of self-incrimination.

Car:  Porsche Carrera 4S

Little known fact:  He dated German doll artist Annette Himstedt in 1986.  It was a brief, but intense relationship, and she has since credited him with her dolls’ award-winning dental artistry.  Himstedt has said that one of her few boy dolls, “Kasimir,” was inspired by Hermey, noting that it is modeled after “the child we might have had.”  The relationship ended under rather cloudy circumstances in 1987.  In a rare interview for Doll Reader magazine in 1995, Himstedt said of Hermey, “He was a very passionate lover.  And we were very happy for a time.  But then I found (she pauses, tearing up)…I’m sorry, this is very painful for me…let me say it this way.  I have always loved my dolls.  But Hermey?  He loved my dolls a little too much.”

Last public appearance:  September 2008 at Hunterdon County Courthouse in New Jersey, where he was brought on charges of cyberstalking.

Where he is now:  Following his life-changing vision quest with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer in 1964, Hermey rode the talk show circuit for several months, partying it up and having a string of meaningless encounters with she-elves.  Following his success on television, and (because he was told his hair was “great on camera”) he briefly toyed with the idea of becoming a television anchor, until he was involved in the shocking North Pole “Barbiegate” scandal of 1966, when he was documented molesting multiple biologically-correct dolls in Santa’s Workshop.  A subsequent search of his elf hut revealed a disturbingly large collection of doll porn and Barbies suspended from his ceiling in suggestive positions.

He was tried in elf court as a minor, sentenced to a year of community service (cleaning the reindeer stalls) and subsequently released into Santa’s guardianship.  Keen to escape his ruined reputation, he applied and was accepted to the prestigious NYU combined BA/DDS program in 1969, and subsequently graduated in 1976.  He then moved to Southern California to become a part of the fledgling cosmetic dentistry movement (there he became good friends with Spencer Pratt’s father and became godfather to Stephanie Pratt at her baptism in 1986.)

He met his wife, Jeanne, in 1991 at a porcelain veneers convention in Las Vegas.  They married in 1993, and subsequently moved to Bunnvale, New Jersey—Jeanne’s hometown—and opened up their own practice outside of New York City.  Their three children, Henrietta, Hermione, and Hermey, Jr., were born in 1994, 1996, and 1997.

An active member of his community, Hermey became a member of the Town Council, a volunteer soccer coach for his son’s team, and an elder at the Bunnvale Assemblies of God church, where he and his wife have been congregants since 1993.  At the church, he helped found the Bunnvale Vacation Bible School, and was the creative genius behind this year’s very successful “Plunge Deeper!  Bunnvale Vacation Bible School water park experience.” (See advertising for the program below.)

In early September, Hermey was arrested at his home on charges of cyberstalking young girls from the local area.  Apparently, Hermey was engaged in chats with them on MySpace, where he would talk about dolls and encourage personal visits to his home.  He later pled “not guilty” to the charges, claiming, “I only wanted to show them my doll collection.”

If convicted, he faces a 5 year maximum prison sentence for a third-degree felony.

 

The Bunnvale Vacation Bible School advertising video: