Six Characters in Search of a Blogger

9.7 The Seventh Day: My Thoughts on the Golden Globes

gggglobesMy random thoughts from the Golden Globes (almost in real time):

*So it’s apparent that Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore are having a May-December romance, what with the handholding and such.  Only love could let Jessica look beyond Drew’s hair tonight, which looked like it had been styled by her finger and an electrical socket.

*Cool potential awkward moments from the evening:  Jeremy Piven locking eyes with former Speed-the-Plow Broadway costar Elizabeth Moss as he eats a tuna sashimi hors d’oeuvre; Ryan Seacrest getting dissed on the Red Carpet by Brangelina (whoops!  already happened!); the Jonas Brothers getting a little too excited when they see Daniel Craig and needing an immediate wardrobe change; Debra Messing’s rabid ponytail starts making animal noises and darts off into the night; J Lo bitchslapping Marc Anthony on national television.  (C’mon–y’all know it happens behind closed doors.  She’s bigger than he is.)

*Did anybody else see Tom Cruise with his mom and realize that she actually seemed like a more age-appropriate guest for him than his wife?

*Megan Fox says she’s very insecure about her looks, called herself a “doppelganger for Alan Alda,” a “tranny” and confessed that she’s actually “a man.”  Megan, just for the record, if you are a man, I am a wombat.  (Come to think of it, I am a wombat:  I’m hairy, have a very slow metabolism, nocturnal tendencies, and short legs.)  Bah.  Thanks alot for reminding me, Megan. 

*Oh my God.  Sting looked like he should be cast in the remake of Deliverance.  You know what that means:  an excellent score!–think “Fields of Gold” meets the banjo meets tantric yoga man-love rhythms.  Yee haw!

*What was with the blonde curly aloe plant growing out of Renee Zellwegger’s head?

*Weird, right?  Ashton Kutcher blowing a kiss to his stepdaughter, this year’s “Miss Golden Globe,” Rumer Willis.  He’s 10 years older than she is.  So I guess the age difference isn’t as bad as I thought it was–he’s old enough to be her big brother, not her playmate in daycare.

*Back to Debra Messing’s ponytail for a moment:  is its rabid fullness indicative of a long and snowy winter?  Just a thought.

*I am just beside myself with glee for Kate Winslet.  She so deserves those awards.  She’s done consistently excellent work over the years.  But I am starting to worry that she seemed to be sitting closer to Leonardo DiCaprio than to her husband for most of the event.

Drew Barrymore at the Golden Globes.

A whole lotta crazy, a whole lotta hairspray, and some gin and uppers under the table: Drew Barrymore at the Golden Globes.

*Drew Barrymore:  what’s with the insane smile?  They flashed to her several times during Steven Spielberg’s acceptance speech for the Cecil B. DeMille award, and she looked like a crazed Stepford wife who had a bottle of gin and some uppers hidden under the table.

*Best moment:  Ricky Gervais drinking beer on the stage, saying “What did I tell you, Winslet–do a Holocaust movie, win an award.”  He went on to mention his lack of a nomination for Ghost Town, for which he had done an extensive press tour, noting about his interaction with the Hollywood Foreign Press,  “That’s the last time I have sex with 200 middle-age journalists…Europeans with wispy beards. And the men were worse.” Did I mention?  The Golden Globes are awesome.

*Sally Hawkins, you need to eat.  The Golden Globe award looked heavier than you.  Instead of Happy Go Lucky, the portrait of the perennial optimist, your next film should be about a depressed woman with a crazy food addiction.  And hey!  I could coach you!

*An aside for all the New England sports fans reading this blog:  awards season just doesn’t feel like awards season without the Patriots in the playoffs.  I’m just saying.

*Oooh, I did NOT see the Colin Farrell award coming for In Bruges.  The Foreign Press is hot for Europeans this year.  (But I do wish they’d given the award to Brendan Gleeson in this case; he deserved it more.)

*If I were Sasha Baron Cohen, and I saw Selma Hayek coming down a dark alley, I would run.  Fast.  Because that woman was throwing daggers at him with her eyes.  Really, the comment about Madonna wasn’t that bad.  And anybody in Madonna’s life could technically be considered a personal assistant–not just Guy Ritchie.

*Best quote of the night:  Tracy Morgan, accepting (or hijacking?) the Best Comedy Award for 30 Rock, announcing,  “I am the face of post-racial America!  Take that, Cate Blanchett!”  But next time, Tracy?  It would be awesome if you said “I am a golden god!” and launched yourself bodily into the audience.

*Second best quote of the night:  Tina Fey’s “I love the Hollywood Foreign Press.  I have all the Hollywood Foreign Press action figures.”  She so funny, that Tina Fey.

*This is bad, but I thought Mickey Rourke was wearing lots of prosthetics and make-up in The Wrestler.  Whoops.  My bad.

*My final words, for the moment:  hey, Foreign Press?  Next year, up the ante on the booze.  We could use a few more drunk stars and people getting stuck in the bathroom when their name is being called.  I miss those days.

9.6 I Could Have Been: An Actor/Director (Making a Movie about Myself!)

There is a fairly obscure actor/director who has my name, according to Google.


I have been waiting for an opportunity like this.  You know, to direct.  I would totally do a movie about my life.  And I could put together the soundtrack, which would include classics from the likes of the Monkees, Debbie Gibson, Tiffany, Michael Jackson, the Chieftains, U2, Coldplay, some bhangra, a little dash of hip hop, and a bit of New Age.

It would be a total bestseller in iTunes (or at least I like to kid myself that it would.)

As for the movie, well…I haven’t written anything yet.  For now, I just thought I would start with some of the casting.  (Holla, family and friends, if you disagree with my casting decisions or want to make alternate suggestions…this is a work in progress!)










While I would like Kate Winslet or Nicole Kidman, alas, both would have to put on a significant amount of weight, lose almost a foot in height, and frizz their hair out to get the part.  (Them’s the breaks for getting juicy roles like this one, ladies.  So ugly yourself up, and we’ll talk.)  Alternatively, my friend Paul has suggested Edina Monsoon (played by the most excellent Jennifer Saunders) from Absolutely Fabulous (pictured here), which is probably a slightly more accurate version of me.  Besides, she tends to fall down alot.  Perfect casting.

However, I would also accept Anne of Green Gables (played here by Megan Follows):










My husband:









John Corbett.  He really looks like my better half.  But John had better start working on his British accent and find some goth facepaint.


My Mom:











Sally Field.  Because Mom was a dead ringer for Sally when she was in Gidget.


My Dad:







According to my niece, Neve, Poppa (aka my Dad) should be played by Santa.  Preferably the later Rankin/Bass claymation version.


My brother Brian:










The Skipper from Gilligan’s Island.  It’s a nickname Brian got back in college, and those things just stick.  Sorry, Bri!



My sister Siobhan:









Megan Fox.  (Isn’t that right, Shiv?)



My brother Michael:








Will Ferrell–less for his looks (my brother is MUCH better looking) than his comedic talent, which Michael demonstrated on Christmas Eve with the private and hilarious floor show he staged for a few members of the family.


My brother Tim:









Actor Sam Jaeger, from Eli Stone.  My brother is actually better-looking than this guy.  And Sam would probably have to lose a few pounds, and develop superior skills at board games.  Particularly Trivial Pursuit and Catch Phrase.


My brother-in-law Chris:

Matthew McConaughey









Matthew McConaughey  (this casting suggestion was made by my 1 year old niece, Genevieve, who says “dada” every time McConaughey appears onscreen.)  Chris, do you mind if we add a few bongo-playing scenes to the film?  I know it’s not really your thing, but the opportunity is just a little too good to pass up.


My sister-in-law Emily:









Naomi Watts, the lovely girl-next-door type actress who often wears her hair back and is, like Emily, expecting her second baby.


My sister-in-law Tracy:








Evangeline Lilly from Lost.  Because she would look just as good in a tracksuit as in a formal gown–just like my sister-in-law.


My friend Rachel:










The inimitable Judy Davis.  Because she needs to have gravitas while discussing presidential politics, the anatomy of the current economic crisis, and then be able to turn around and accuse someone of pedophilia or call them a “stinky face,” like Rachel does.  I think Judy Davis is one of the few living actresses who could pull this off with any degree of sincerity.  Plus, she rocks.  (As does Rachel, when she isn’t scaring people.)  ; )


My friend Alison:











The gorgeous Anne Bancroft.  One of the few actresses who is beautiful, funny, sexy, dignified, and can wear leopard skin elegantly.  (Like Alison!)


My friend Mellie:









Such good casting, it deserved TWO photos of Jody Foster.  Because the young Jody Foster even looks like the young Mellie!  And Jody Foster kicks ass, just like Mellie does.


My friend Julie:









Laura Linney.  (Julie:  she does history movies!!!  She even played Abigail Adams recently.)  And she has that same wholesome, could-have-spent-the-summers-working-at-the-beach-at-Cape-Cod look about her that Julie does.



My friend Autumn:








I love Lucy.  I love Autumn.  Lucille Ball was brilliant.  Autumn is brilliant.  Enough said.


My friend Jean:









Since Jean is afraid of identity theft on the Internet, she prefers to feature photos of her feet instead of her face.  So Jean, I have cast you as the most beautiful feet I can find.

8.3 Roger Ebert Still has a Thumb; and a Blog
January 4, 2009, 12:53 am
Filed under: Six Bloggers Blogging | Tags: , , , , ,

I miss Siskel and Ebert’s At the Movies.  I miss their acerbic wit, their open (and even somewhat bitter) rivalry, and erudite analysis of modern films–they were able to transform certain movies from obscure arthouse flicks into something I really wanted to see.  

Roger Ebert

Roger Ebert

Gene Siskel, of course, passed away due to surgical complications from a brain tumor in 1999.  But Roger Ebert is still with us, staging his own heroic battle with thyroid cancer that has since spread to his salivary gland and jaw bone.  The extensive surgical work that has been performed on him has left him unable to speak.  

But he is not without a voice:  he continues to review films, as well as make observations about life, politics, the world and the movie industry in Roger Ebert’s Journal, which is featured on the Chicago Sun-Times website.

Well worth a read; pay special attention to the comments section, because his readers are also great writers.

Week 7: My favorite characters/moments from Christmas movies
December 21, 2008, 11:45 pm
Filed under: My favorite characters/moments from Christmas movies | Tags: , ,

Hey, everyone!  This week, given how busy we’ll all be with the upcoming Christmas holiday, I’ll just be featuring quick snippets of my favorite characters from several Christmas movies.  (Thanks, in advance, to YouTube for supplying me with the raw material.)  And if you have the time, feel free to chime in with some of your favorite characters/moments from Christmas movies!