Six Characters in Search of a Blogger


9.7 The Seventh Day: My Thoughts on the Golden Globes

gggglobesMy random thoughts from the Golden Globes (almost in real time):

*So it’s apparent that Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore are having a May-December romance, what with the handholding and such.  Only love could let Jessica look beyond Drew’s hair tonight, which looked like it had been styled by her finger and an electrical socket.

*Cool potential awkward moments from the evening:  Jeremy Piven locking eyes with former Speed-the-Plow Broadway costar Elizabeth Moss as he eats a tuna sashimi hors d’oeuvre; Ryan Seacrest getting dissed on the Red Carpet by Brangelina (whoops!  already happened!); the Jonas Brothers getting a little too excited when they see Daniel Craig and needing an immediate wardrobe change; Debra Messing’s rabid ponytail starts making animal noises and darts off into the night; J Lo bitchslapping Marc Anthony on national television.  (C’mon–y’all know it happens behind closed doors.  She’s bigger than he is.)

*Did anybody else see Tom Cruise with his mom and realize that she actually seemed like a more age-appropriate guest for him than his wife?

*Megan Fox says she’s very insecure about her looks, called herself a “doppelganger for Alan Alda,” a “tranny” and confessed that she’s actually “a man.”  Megan, just for the record, if you are a man, I am a wombat.  (Come to think of it, I am a wombat:  I’m hairy, have a very slow metabolism, nocturnal tendencies, and short legs.)  Bah.  Thanks alot for reminding me, Megan. 

*Oh my God.  Sting looked like he should be cast in the remake of Deliverance.  You know what that means:  an excellent score!–think “Fields of Gold” meets the banjo meets tantric yoga man-love rhythms.  Yee haw!

*What was with the blonde curly aloe plant growing out of Renee Zellwegger’s head?

*Weird, right?  Ashton Kutcher blowing a kiss to his stepdaughter, this year’s “Miss Golden Globe,” Rumer Willis.  He’s 10 years older than she is.  So I guess the age difference isn’t as bad as I thought it was–he’s old enough to be her big brother, not her playmate in daycare.

*Back to Debra Messing’s ponytail for a moment:  is its rabid fullness indicative of a long and snowy winter?  Just a thought.

*I am just beside myself with glee for Kate Winslet.  She so deserves those awards.  She’s done consistently excellent work over the years.  But I am starting to worry that she seemed to be sitting closer to Leonardo DiCaprio than to her husband for most of the event.

Drew Barrymore at the Golden Globes.

A whole lotta crazy, a whole lotta hairspray, and some gin and uppers under the table: Drew Barrymore at the Golden Globes.

*Drew Barrymore:  what’s with the insane smile?  They flashed to her several times during Steven Spielberg’s acceptance speech for the Cecil B. DeMille award, and she looked like a crazed Stepford wife who had a bottle of gin and some uppers hidden under the table.

*Best moment:  Ricky Gervais drinking beer on the stage, saying “What did I tell you, Winslet–do a Holocaust movie, win an award.”  He went on to mention his lack of a nomination for Ghost Town, for which he had done an extensive press tour, noting about his interaction with the Hollywood Foreign Press,  “That’s the last time I have sex with 200 middle-age journalists…Europeans with wispy beards. And the men were worse.” Did I mention?  The Golden Globes are awesome.

*Sally Hawkins, you need to eat.  The Golden Globe award looked heavier than you.  Instead of Happy Go Lucky, the portrait of the perennial optimist, your next film should be about a depressed woman with a crazy food addiction.  And hey!  I could coach you!

*An aside for all the New England sports fans reading this blog:  awards season just doesn’t feel like awards season without the Patriots in the playoffs.  I’m just saying.

*Oooh, I did NOT see the Colin Farrell award coming for In Bruges.  The Foreign Press is hot for Europeans this year.  (But I do wish they’d given the award to Brendan Gleeson in this case; he deserved it more.)

*If I were Sasha Baron Cohen, and I saw Selma Hayek coming down a dark alley, I would run.  Fast.  Because that woman was throwing daggers at him with her eyes.  Really, the comment about Madonna wasn’t that bad.  And anybody in Madonna’s life could technically be considered a personal assistant–not just Guy Ritchie.

*Best quote of the night:  Tracy Morgan, accepting (or hijacking?) the Best Comedy Award for 30 Rock, announcing,  “I am the face of post-racial America!  Take that, Cate Blanchett!”  But next time, Tracy?  It would be awesome if you said “I am a golden god!” and launched yourself bodily into the audience.

*Second best quote of the night:  Tina Fey’s “I love the Hollywood Foreign Press.  I have all the Hollywood Foreign Press action figures.”  She so funny, that Tina Fey.

*This is bad, but I thought Mickey Rourke was wearing lots of prosthetics and make-up in The Wrestler.  Whoops.  My bad.

*My final words, for the moment:  hey, Foreign Press?  Next year, up the ante on the booze.  We could use a few more drunk stars and people getting stuck in the bathroom when their name is being called.  I miss those days.

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