Six Characters in Search of a Blogger

9.6 I Could Have Been: An Actor/Director (Making a Movie about Myself!)

There is a fairly obscure actor/director who has my name, according to Google.


I have been waiting for an opportunity like this.  You know, to direct.  I would totally do a movie about my life.  And I could put together the soundtrack, which would include classics from the likes of the Monkees, Debbie Gibson, Tiffany, Michael Jackson, the Chieftains, U2, Coldplay, some bhangra, a little dash of hip hop, and a bit of New Age.

It would be a total bestseller in iTunes (or at least I like to kid myself that it would.)

As for the movie, well…I haven’t written anything yet.  For now, I just thought I would start with some of the casting.  (Holla, family and friends, if you disagree with my casting decisions or want to make alternate suggestions…this is a work in progress!)










While I would like Kate Winslet or Nicole Kidman, alas, both would have to put on a significant amount of weight, lose almost a foot in height, and frizz their hair out to get the part.  (Them’s the breaks for getting juicy roles like this one, ladies.  So ugly yourself up, and we’ll talk.)  Alternatively, my friend Paul has suggested Edina Monsoon (played by the most excellent Jennifer Saunders) from Absolutely Fabulous (pictured here), which is probably a slightly more accurate version of me.  Besides, she tends to fall down alot.  Perfect casting.

However, I would also accept Anne of Green Gables (played here by Megan Follows):










My husband:









John Corbett.  He really looks like my better half.  But John had better start working on his British accent and find some goth facepaint.


My Mom:











Sally Field.  Because Mom was a dead ringer for Sally when she was in Gidget.


My Dad:







According to my niece, Neve, Poppa (aka my Dad) should be played by Santa.  Preferably the later Rankin/Bass claymation version.


My brother Brian:










The Skipper from Gilligan’s Island.  It’s a nickname Brian got back in college, and those things just stick.  Sorry, Bri!



My sister Siobhan:









Megan Fox.  (Isn’t that right, Shiv?)



My brother Michael:








Will Ferrell–less for his looks (my brother is MUCH better looking) than his comedic talent, which Michael demonstrated on Christmas Eve with the private and hilarious floor show he staged for a few members of the family.


My brother Tim:









Actor Sam Jaeger, from Eli Stone.  My brother is actually better-looking than this guy.  And Sam would probably have to lose a few pounds, and develop superior skills at board games.  Particularly Trivial Pursuit and Catch Phrase.


My brother-in-law Chris:

Matthew McConaughey









Matthew McConaughey  (this casting suggestion was made by my 1 year old niece, Genevieve, who says “dada” every time McConaughey appears onscreen.)  Chris, do you mind if we add a few bongo-playing scenes to the film?  I know it’s not really your thing, but the opportunity is just a little too good to pass up.


My sister-in-law Emily:









Naomi Watts, the lovely girl-next-door type actress who often wears her hair back and is, like Emily, expecting her second baby.


My sister-in-law Tracy:








Evangeline Lilly from Lost.  Because she would look just as good in a tracksuit as in a formal gown–just like my sister-in-law.


My friend Rachel:










The inimitable Judy Davis.  Because she needs to have gravitas while discussing presidential politics, the anatomy of the current economic crisis, and then be able to turn around and accuse someone of pedophilia or call them a “stinky face,” like Rachel does.  I think Judy Davis is one of the few living actresses who could pull this off with any degree of sincerity.  Plus, she rocks.  (As does Rachel, when she isn’t scaring people.)  ; )


My friend Alison:











The gorgeous Anne Bancroft.  One of the few actresses who is beautiful, funny, sexy, dignified, and can wear leopard skin elegantly.  (Like Alison!)


My friend Mellie:









Such good casting, it deserved TWO photos of Jody Foster.  Because the young Jody Foster even looks like the young Mellie!  And Jody Foster kicks ass, just like Mellie does.


My friend Julie:









Laura Linney.  (Julie:  she does history movies!!!  She even played Abigail Adams recently.)  And she has that same wholesome, could-have-spent-the-summers-working-at-the-beach-at-Cape-Cod look about her that Julie does.



My friend Autumn:








I love Lucy.  I love Autumn.  Lucille Ball was brilliant.  Autumn is brilliant.  Enough said.


My friend Jean:









Since Jean is afraid of identity theft on the Internet, she prefers to feature photos of her feet instead of her face.  So Jean, I have cast you as the most beautiful feet I can find.


2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

And I thought I was so subtle. NOT!

Comment by Rachel

I came across this by accident. haha how else do you find anything on the net. I just wanted you to know that this is so cool. I hope you are still pursuing this. All the people you listed in this should know that you love and cherish them. This is just so cool LOL

Comment by Duggy

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