Six Characters in Search of a Blogger


4.3 Where Are They Now: Hermey
December 3, 2008, 3:59 pm
Filed under: Rankin/Bass Christmas Characters | Tags: , , , ,

Name:  Hermey the Elf

Also known as:  Herbie, Inmate #226440, barbiesboy (chatroom screen name)

Hobbies:   sedation dentistry, ear wiggling, hee hee-ing, Tantric yoga, doll collecting

Hermey

Hermey

Home:   Bunnvale, NJ

Marital status:  Married to wife Jeanne for 15 years; they have 3 children: Henrietta, Hermione, Hermey, Jr.

Secret crush:  He would rather not say, due to possibility of self-incrimination.

Car:  Porsche Carrera 4S

Little known fact:  He dated German doll artist Annette Himstedt in 1986.  It was a brief, but intense relationship, and she has since credited him with her dolls’ award-winning dental artistry.  Himstedt has said that one of her few boy dolls, “Kasimir,” was inspired by Hermey, noting that it is modeled after “the child we might have had.”  The relationship ended under rather cloudy circumstances in 1987.  In a rare interview for Doll Reader magazine in 1995, Himstedt said of Hermey, “He was a very passionate lover.  And we were very happy for a time.  But then I found (she pauses, tearing up)…I’m sorry, this is very painful for me…let me say it this way.  I have always loved my dolls.  But Hermey?  He loved my dolls a little too much.”

Last public appearance:  September 2008 at Hunterdon County Courthouse in New Jersey, where he was brought on charges of cyberstalking.

Where he is now:  Following his life-changing vision quest with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer in 1964, Hermey rode the talk show circuit for several months, partying it up and having a string of meaningless encounters with she-elves.  Following his success on television, and (because he was told his hair was “great on camera”) he briefly toyed with the idea of becoming a television anchor, until he was involved in the shocking North Pole “Barbiegate” scandal of 1966, when he was documented molesting multiple biologically-correct dolls in Santa’s Workshop.  A subsequent search of his elf hut revealed a disturbingly large collection of doll porn and Barbies suspended from his ceiling in suggestive positions.

He was tried in elf court as a minor, sentenced to a year of community service (cleaning the reindeer stalls) and subsequently released into Santa’s guardianship.  Keen to escape his ruined reputation, he applied and was accepted to the prestigious NYU combined BA/DDS program in 1969, and subsequently graduated in 1976.  He then moved to Southern California to become a part of the fledgling cosmetic dentistry movement (there he became good friends with Spencer Pratt’s father and became godfather to Stephanie Pratt at her baptism in 1986.)

He met his wife, Jeanne, in 1991 at a porcelain veneers convention in Las Vegas.  They married in 1993, and subsequently moved to Bunnvale, New Jersey—Jeanne’s hometown—and opened up their own practice outside of New York City.  Their three children, Henrietta, Hermione, and Hermey, Jr., were born in 1994, 1996, and 1997.

An active member of his community, Hermey became a member of the Town Council, a volunteer soccer coach for his son’s team, and an elder at the Bunnvale Assemblies of God church, where he and his wife have been congregants since 1993.  At the church, he helped found the Bunnvale Vacation Bible School, and was the creative genius behind this year’s very successful “Plunge Deeper!  Bunnvale Vacation Bible School water park experience.” (See advertising for the program below.)

In early September, Hermey was arrested at his home on charges of cyberstalking young girls from the local area.  Apparently, Hermey was engaged in chats with them on MySpace, where he would talk about dolls and encourage personal visits to his home.  He later pled “not guilty” to the charges, claiming, “I only wanted to show them my doll collection.”

If convicted, he faces a 5 year maximum prison sentence for a third-degree felony.

 

The Bunnvale Vacation Bible School advertising video:

 

 

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1 Comment so far
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That video is AWESOME! I think it might be exhibit A at the next clergy sex abuse trial.

“I am sorry, your honor, I was just plunge, plunge, plunging right into the Lord.”

YouTube is the best!

Comment by Derek




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