Six Characters in Search of a Blogger

4.1 Where Are They Now: Heat Miser
December 1, 2008, 2:44 am
Filed under: Rankin/Bass Christmas Characters | Tags: , ,

Name:  Heat Miser

Also known as:  Mr. Green Christmas, Mr. Sun, Mr. Heat Blister, Mr. 101°

Hobbies:  can melt objects with a single touch; accomplished dancer and singer; wine connoisseur; self-professed devotee of hip-hop artist Ludacris

Heat Miser

Heat Miser

Homes:  Southern California, St. Barts, and an undisclosed volcano somewhere in the “Ring of Fire” of the South Pacific

Marital status:  Confirmed bachelor

Secret crush:  Sarah Palin.  He likes hot women from cold places.  So sue him.

Car:  tricked out insulated HUM-V limo

Little known fact:  He and his brother were part of a controversial cloning experiment back in the early 70s, which resulted in dozens of singing and dancing mini-misers.  While he initially enjoyed having them as minions and back-up performers, he lost track of the little guys after they left to explore the rapidly exploding punk scene in the U.K. later in the decade.  He hasn’t seen them since, but recently has heard rumors that they are the regular back-up vocalists for David Hasselhoff during his German concert tours.

Last public appearance:  Crawford, Texas.  He was one of the few close friends invited to the wedding of President Bush’s daughter, Jenna.  Was reported to have drunkenly sung the Bangles’ “Eternal Flame” repeatedly until he was removed by the Secret Service.

Where he is now:  Following his highly successful “spring in the North Pole” campaign of 1974, Miser became infatuated by the idea of shrinking the polar ice caps.  During the subsequent energy crisis under the Carter Administration, he quietly invested in several major oil companies, reaping large dividends in the ensuing decades.  He has been the mastermind behind the explosion of Chinese coal use for the past twenty years, and was a confirmed contributor to the robocall campaign of bomb threats during the 2005 Kyoto Protocol meeting in Montreal.

Known for his blistering temper and unwillingness to compromise, Miser has been a close friend of Dick Cheney for some years now.  He was one of the several secret delegates who were privy to Cheney’s clandestine Energy Policy meeting early in the Bush Administration.  He is the founder of “Global Warming: YES!” Foundation, which provides underprivileged individuals with gas guzzling cars and other fossil fuel based technologies, as well as sponsors clear-cutting and brush-burning parties for indigenous Amazonian tribes.  There has been some speculation that the Foundation might be linked to a series of fiery dung bomb incidents at the home of former Vice President Al Gore (often accompanied by flyers stating “how’s this for an inconvenient truth?”) but the matter is still under inquiry.

Now a resident of Southern California, Miser claims to feel quite welcome by the climate there.  He has been declared a “person of suspicion” multiple times in the investigation of rampant area fires outside of L.A., but has never been indicted due to lack of evidence. 

His romantic life as a confirmed bachelor has found him linked to many famous women over the past several decades, from Charro, to Florence Henderson, to Carrie Fisher (during the Star Wars years), to Yoko Ono, to Joan Collins, to Catherine Bach (formerly “Daisy Duke”), to Janet Reno (the affair was never acknowledged publicly), to Courtney Love.  He is currently speculated to be dating actress Evan Rachel Wood following her recent break-up with goth rocker Marilyn Manson.

His controversial tell-all autobiography, Hunk of Burning Love, is slated for publication in 2010, and is already rumored to be topping Oprah’s book club picks for the year.


Take a walk down memory lane with his iconic appearance on A Year without a Santa Claus:


1 Comment so far
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The Miser Brothers are back for a new movie on The ABC Family Channel!

Comment by JBL

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